blueser | IC CONTACT

[Blue's mouth presses tightly, seemingly working through his feelings here. Maybe he's just spitballing at Killua; maybe he's already decided to forgive him, by the time he asked him to come walk with him. Or at least, had decided to consider it.]

[Honesty, respect, empathy. Those were all Blue was asking for... And Killua was giving it, without being defense, that kneejerk anger that Blue would have in this same situation. That has to be worth something.]

[Things being more complicated than people seem willing to accept. Blue's mind hangs on this, with a bit of recognition, a guess- but he isn't in the mood to bring it up at the moment.]

...So, what did you think? [Blue mumbles with a heavy breath, and leans against the side of a building tiredly.]

[Killua watches as Blue settles the way he does, ruminating on his question, wondering if he's even parsing it correctly. is...Blue asking him what he was thinking, when he did something so clumsy and insensitive? it seems needless and maybe even cruel to elaborate that far, so Killua... hopes that isn't it.

he glances away for a moment, rubbing the back of his neck, then shyly peeks back at Blue.]

...What do you mean?

Mm? [Blue glances up at him again, a light twitch quirking his brow--]

...Of Red, obviously. [He says, not obviously at all.]

[Maybe his motivations for asking are rather blatant, but he's going to pretend they aren't. There's tension in his body still, tension that's been here that whole time, and it tightens ever further.]

...I dunno. It's hard to tell. His presence is small next to yours, [Killua admits candidly, shrugging a shoulder. he wasn't given much time to really glean a true, honest assessment.]

He seems... reserved, I guess.

[maybe it was too many people. Killua thinks about it, though—he didn't realize they were friends for so long, that their mothers knew each other, that they did something as silly as name their kids like that.]

...Hm.

[Blue's mouth ...twists, thoughtfully. So the same as most people thought of him, from the outside.]

[He had wondered if Killua would pick up on anything else, but he supposes most people haven't seen Red's other sides. Even around Blue.]

I make sure it is. [He finally scoffs, chin tilting up a little.] Like I'd let a pushover like Red outshine me!

[Killua glances at Blue, wondering how to correctly parse and respond to this—it's a pretty tenuous topic, especially given the nature of their walk anyway... but it's funny, right? Killua knows he doesn't have all the information to feel this way confidently, but can they continue their rivalry in a world that doesn't care about their talents as trainers? but of course, like Blue said, it's more complicated than that.

it seems like a trap neither of them can get out of, or something.

pushover is an interesting choice in words, Killua thinks. he also thinks that Red is strong in his own way; they're from a world where they don't really settle stuff like that, right? but Red was undeterred by Blue hitting him.]

...Mm. Well, you just have a pretty big personality. But you did say you were rivals, I guess.

[it might be obvious that Killua's being cautious about what he says...]

[Even despite his attempts to navigate this carefully, Blue turns a sharp, maybe even a little irritated look on him.]

[It's hardly Killua's fault for sidestepping, but that only seems to annoy him more.]

'Big personality', huh. [Whether he's internalizing this or what, he seems to take it badly. Like he didn't know himself, all the negative things that could mean. What other people said about him. For starters.] I wonder what that means.

[There's a bit of a reluctant flex in his jaw after he says that, but he doesn't apologize, either. Like he knows he's reading too much into it.]

I'll be less annoyed if you're honest with me, you know.

[Killua scowls sorely at Blue when he of course takes that the wrong way, but he's not gonna stand here and embarrass himself arguing what positive things it could mean. things have reached a "money where your mouth is" point with their tension he thinks, anyway...

then Blue reads him so well, it kind of startles him. mostly because it's a confrontation of the fact that... well, they're close enough that Killua can't just casually lie around his own feelings so easily.]

...Fine.

He seems determined, I thought. How he didn't turn away in a bad situation, even when you hit him.

[he scratches his cheek. strong recognizes strong! but when it comes to more emotional matters... Killua thinks he might actually be more of a coward than that. the tension would have been too much, maybe?]

...Still wasn't enough exposure for me to say anything that means anything, anyway.

[Blue watches him work through his thoughts with a little bit of annoyance, and he thinks to himself that maybe they’re a little too similar, sometimes. Being called out on your obfuscation was annoying, wasn’t it? But there was no point when both of them now were close enough that keeping at arm’s length was maybe no longer an option...]

[That realization sort of startles Blue, too.]

[As for his impression of Red, it’s of course accurate. Red was always the strong one- in whatever capacity you measured by. ‘A strong personality’ meant nothing in regards to Blue but how fake he was. He wouldn’t take that at face value from someone like Killua.]

He’s stupid. He’s determined, even though he doesn’t even know what he wants. [Blue scowls into the darkness, kicking a loose cobble on the road.] An idiot that just goes running into things without thinking first.

I told him if he doesn’t have anything to say to me, get lost. I have nothing to say to him if he doesn’t.

[Sharply, his eyes land back on Killua’s.] That’s why. So don’t think just cuz you know one half of it that you can talk for me.

[Killua's shoulders hike, giving Blue a withering look.]

Sheesh, I got it, [he reiterates tensely. he of course feels bad, but is also getting tired of repeating himself. it's embarrassing. he pinkies his ear.] I don't think I can talk for you. I didn't mean to. Haven't I already said so...? [he understood, he was sorry, it wasn't his intention. cyclical.

the description of someone determined who charges into things without thinking... well, Killua supposes those types are everywhere, maybe. his posture deflates out of its defensiveness, the emotional exhaustion sinking in. mostly because he's thought of Gon now, too.]

Sorry. About that, and that things didn't go well.

[Blue’s mouth presses together hard, trying to be firm in his insistence- but it melts away. Both from Killua’s obvious exhaustion, and because......]

[With that out of the way, there’s nothing left but his own exhaustion, his own frustration, and the pain the encounter dug up and left behind.]

[They mirror each other, but maybe not for the same reasons, the way rigid defensiveness deflates and leaves them raw and hurting. Blue wants someone he can talk to. He wants to trust Killua with himself in this delicate state, because otherwise, it’s just himself alone and angry and spiraling in his despair, just like he had that month. It isn’t like he ever wanted to face things alone that way- there just wasn’t any other option. There was no one.]

[The feelings, buried down all this time, bubble up out of him, eyes swelling and threatening to spill over in the darkness, and they bubble up around him, too. A puddle nearby them at the side of the street begins to roil, and turn black, boiling ichor containing all those negative emotions within him, and rivers of it run out between the spaces in the cobblestone.]

...Why doesn’t he ever understand... [He mumbles softly, voice thick and cracking with sorrow, and he quickly brings a hand up against his eyes, a useless hold against the breaking dam.]

[Killua's a little surprised—by the boiling puddles, at least, and it takes him a moment to realize exactly what's happening there. he's less surprised, however, by the creeping despair and the culmination of Blue's frustration.

his jaw sets a little, remembering in NGL when Gon had broken down in front of him, a wreck of tears in frustration and failure. how he'd cried off and on for a couple of hours as they were transported to their destination together, Gon on the floor, and Killua on the bench they were intended to sit on in the truck back, simply watching him. his heart hurt for his friend the entire ride, but he didn't want to slight his stinging wounds due to the nature of his state. affirming someone's pain too directly is like calling out someone's weakness, sometimes...

but Killua feels like this might be a little different. to his question, Killua of course has nothing to say. he's familiar with that frustration, too—but Gon also understands him plenty, and they'd finally worked out that miscommunication tonight anyways... and even if he could impart some indication of relating, Killua's not trying to make this about himself.]

Hey...Let's—sit down for a minute.

[Blue is too worked up in his own worries to see the way Killua’s brows pinch looking at him, or the way his discomfort seeps through either at whatever it is he recognizes in him, or having to deal with it. Maybe if he wasn’t so stuck in his own spiral, but as it is, he breathes in deeply and glances up at Killua, his jaw wobbling, tears trying to spill out... and he just takes what’s being offered to him at face value. He’s too self absorbed to examine it, at the moment.]

...Okay...

[He feels emotionally tenderized. Now that his guard is down, he’s more agreeable... relatively.]

[He pushes off the side of the building he’s slumped against, and hands in pockets begins to wander off towards an area of stonework walls around a nearby building low enough to sit on. The rivers of ichor slow, chasing their heels a little, bit eventually die out as they walk away from it.]

[Blue slumps down on the stone fencing and lets out a slow, shuddered breath, seeping down into his exhaustion in quiet.]

...Sorry.... Sorry, I can’t control myself when.... [He trails off, jaw setting and muscles tending again.]

[as they settle, Killua actually begins to relax a little bit. it feels like the tense, conflicted part is over—even if Blue has his own aspects of turmoil, that as a solitary factor is a little easier to deal with.]

Don’t worry about it, [Killua responds almost immediately, his palms against the stone of the ledge they sit on, eyes politely on nothing in particular on the darkness before them. but he does soon after glance at Blue—briefly.]

...It’s unfair to expect perfect control from anybody when they’re in pain. It doesn’t bother me.

[His jaw works at the dismissal, but he still seems unsatisfied, somehow. Still, he doesn’t prod at it again. If he was so bothered, he wouldn’t dismiss it so easily, right?]

[Blue sits in quiet for a little bit, rolling thoughts over in his head, but he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what he wants to say- he’s never been in this situation before, where there was someone he could talk to, someone he really wanted to talk to about this. And even then, there’s so much to him and Red that he wouldn’t know where to start anyway.]

[He squirms a little, rubbing one of his arms, as he gathers thoughts.] ...You can ask me. [He decides, stealing an awkward glance of his own.] Whatever you’re wondering about all that.

I don’t.... really know what to say about it. It’s hard to know....

[Killua isn't anticipating being put in this position. he blinks, almost catching Blue's eyes when he turns to catch his glance just as he looks away. where to begin? especially since it's a touchy subject—even if he could narrow it down to just one question, which one does he pick??

he leans back on his palms a little bit.]

...How long has it been? Since you guys were friends, I guess.

[Blue leans his head back to stare up at the sky, and gives a little scoff of amusement. Of course a difficult to answer one, right away- but then, most of the questions he could ask were difficult.]

Red would probably give a different answer from me. [He muses, eyes squinting as he considers it.] ....I guess I would say we were about 8 or 9 when-- around the time that things began to ....change.

[His mouth twists, a considerate pause-] Things had begun to change for a long time already.... But I never thought they would change between us until then.

It's not like you have to take a test or anything to get your trainer's license- that's on your 11th birthday- unless you plan to enter a trainer's school, those have entrance exams. But it's pretty normal that before then you start sort of studying things to prepare for your journey, if you plan on doing the League challenge. [Blue swings his feet idly as he talks.] Obviously cuz of gramps-- since I am who I am, none of that was necessary. I knew more than most experienced trainers twice my age when I was starting out. And of course Red was preparing for his too, so it was both of us hanging around the lab all the time....

[The bitterness becomes apparent immediately, in his tone and his expression.]

Hmm...

[Killua tilts his head, closing his eyes as he listens. it's weird things have taken this turn, he thinks—that Blue is confiding in Killua after that thoughtless slip up, but it's not like Killua hasn't learned a lesson in that anyway. plus, it's not like he's looking a gift horse in the mouth.]

That's right. You guys knew each other all that time.

[he'd only known that much because of the comment about their mothers, really...he glances at Blue.]

I kinda relate to some of that...

[even though Killua didn't want to make this abou thim. sheesh. but sharing a little is okay, right?]

Gon and I only met when we were 12. I'm like you, but in the assassin trade—it was weird for me and Gon to be in the Hunter exam as such young kids, so I was immediately pulled to him. I'd never had a friend before, and I felt like he would probably be the kinda guy who could keep up with me...

I guess even before my own version of that kinda officiation, I was already a big deal; my family wanted me to inherit the business, but...

[his interests were more selfish. oriented around the heart. no matter how deep his coffers were, it didn't matter.]

...I wanted something softer.

[Perhaps it's strange- even stupid of him- but whatever else Killua may be, Blue had never felt that he was purposely malicious towards him once they got to know each other. It's that trust in his character that allows Blue to easily overshare just after what happened earlier. And maybe his longing for understanding overpowered his logic, a little, with his defenses lowered.]

[Blue glances to him, owlishly confused for a moment before he realizes what's meant. Oh. Of course. He hadn't considered that it didn't go without saying- that ...they'd always been together.] ... Yeah. Red and I were next-door neighbors, growing up. Our moms were friends, so. [He presses his lips together, and that's all he says on that. He quickly lets the subject change again as Killua opens up.]

[He listens, and wonders what it must be like to grow up without anyone else to play with or talk to. Probably like what he feels now, but he thinks it must be different, never having had that, from how it feels to have had and lost.]

They really have confidence in you, huh. Your family.

[It sounds a little... envious.]

[of course, that isn't totally true. Killua had Alluka to play with and talk to, but it's not quite the same as growing up with another boy your age—Killua doesn't relate to Alluka quite the same way as Gon. it's not bad, just different.]

Mm. So much that they wanted me to be the heir instead of my older brothers.

[Killua has no awareness for how this subject in particular is bruising for Blue—but he'll learn in time, probably...]

...Sorry, though. That really sucks. To be honest...

[Killua scowls, his cheeks pinkening. his feelings for Gon and Blue's feelings for Red were... probably different, he thinks. with Gon, no matter how you categorize anything, his initial facilitation in friendship was utter infatuation. quick and dizzy, and then so tight—not something so long term...

that's why it's so complicated, probably.]

No. Nevermind. But—

[he glances at Blue, a little shyly. it's selfish, maybe, trying to draw comparisons for clarity in his own feelings. but to be fair, Killua has no idea what's normal in friendships... even now, he doesn't have a great idea of what boundaries are totally normal, even if intuitively, he's only just beginning to understand what is and isn't healthy.]

—is he... kind of like a brother to you? Growing up that close.

Oh.

[Blue's jaw sets tightly, and he almost looks a little irritated for a moment, but he lets it go, and latches back onto the subject purely of Red.]

[He squints at the question, initially giving a slightly disgusted look at the idea, but the more carefully he considers it.... It isn't a strange assumption to make, either. Growing up together from that young must be like a sibling to most people, right? And yet it had never felt that way. Not for him, anyway.]

[For Red, he couldn't say. But if he did, that would be ...heartbreaking, he thinks. Unsalvageable. For them to want two, such different things with each other... To view each other in such opposite ways... He wouldn't be able to endure it. It makes his stomach churn suddenly with never before considered anxiety.]

....No... [He answers slowly, brow furrowing.] Red's an only child, but I'm not. So I never.. Thought of it like that... And anyway, I always had Daisy. I guess cuz I have a sibling and we got a totally different kinda relationship, it felt different.

...Daisy raised me, mostly... So in that sense, our relationship was super different, too. It was more like Red's mom is? --I guess she's sort of aunt-like, but Red isn't like a cousin, either. I dunno. I never really thought about it before.

[But it's sure bothering him now that he is.]

Hm.

[Killua glances away, also feeling a little sheepish and awkward.]

...I guess that's normal, right? I guess I thought it would basically feel the same, since besides Alluka, I never exactly had...friends. I felt differently about a couple of our butlers; I wanted them to be my friends, but it wasn't allowed.

[his heart squeezes awkwardly, his lip quirking tightly.]

I...guess I couldn't imagine it feeling that way with Gon, either.

[he fidgets.]

But he's an only child, and just—culturally, his life is so different.

[so maybe........ that's... why....]

[For a few moments, Blue stares at Killua strangely- like he's trying to understand what he's saying, or what he's getting at... He finally shrugs it off and decides he just might not be able to understand the same way.]

[But he also gives him a bit of a scrutinizing, knowing side-glance. With him and Gon, huh....]

He's one, huh.

I wonder...

[His eyes roll away and he trails off, but abruptly changes the subject again.] --Does it feel different? You know... um, making friends with someone.... You know... [He waves a hand, unsure how to word it] Just like, whenever. The way it feels, compared to, like...

Someone you always knew....

[Blue's eyes drop again, and he hopes his face isn't turning red. He wonders what it's supposed to feel like. The way Red makes him feel, the way ...Killua makes him feel.... Is it just normal for it to be this way??]

Edited 2019-07-26 04:30 (UTC)

[Killua feels a little taken aback by the reddening of Blue's face, only because it changes the context of his question.]

Well, uh... Like I said, I never had—a friend I always knew, just... family.

[Killua curls a finger in front of his pensive scowl.]

I...I might be the wrong person to ask, about that...

[and then, late, it's like it dawns on him.]

Man. None of us are really a good measure for that, I guess...

[meaning, of course, including Gon. Killua's eyes widen, his posture jumping a little bit.]

Wait, you would know better than me! What... what do you think?

Edited 2019-07-26 04:45 (UTC)

Oh..........

[Blue mumbles, and goes quiet again, turning away.]

[This was weird. He'd rather just forget he said anything.]

[And then Killua turns it back on him. The bastard--!]

Wh--! I don't know! That's why I'm asking you!! [He snaps, a little loudly, face reddening further.] It's... I don't... It wasn't that different at all, really, so I... was trying to figure out if it was.... If it was just...

You know.... [He angrily presses his lips together. Dammit. He doesn't wanna talk about this anymore!]

--Forget that! What do you mean, your butlers or whatever?

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