blueser | IC CONTACT

[His jaw works at the dismissal, but he still seems unsatisfied, somehow. Still, he doesn’t prod at it again. If he was so bothered, he wouldn’t dismiss it so easily, right?]

[Blue sits in quiet for a little bit, rolling thoughts over in his head, but he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what he wants to say- he’s never been in this situation before, where there was someone he could talk to, someone he really wanted to talk to about this. And even then, there’s so much to him and Red that he wouldn’t know where to start anyway.]

[He squirms a little, rubbing one of his arms, as he gathers thoughts.] ...You can ask me. [He decides, stealing an awkward glance of his own.] Whatever you’re wondering about all that.

I don’t.... really know what to say about it. It’s hard to know....

[Killua isn't anticipating being put in this position. he blinks, almost catching Blue's eyes when he turns to catch his glance just as he looks away. where to begin? especially since it's a touchy subject—even if he could narrow it down to just one question, which one does he pick??

he leans back on his palms a little bit.]

...How long has it been? Since you guys were friends, I guess.

[Blue leans his head back to stare up at the sky, and gives a little scoff of amusement. Of course a difficult to answer one, right away- but then, most of the questions he could ask were difficult.]

Red would probably give a different answer from me. [He muses, eyes squinting as he considers it.] ....I guess I would say we were about 8 or 9 when-- around the time that things began to ....change.

[His mouth twists, a considerate pause-] Things had begun to change for a long time already.... But I never thought they would change between us until then.

It's not like you have to take a test or anything to get your trainer's license- that's on your 11th birthday- unless you plan to enter a trainer's school, those have entrance exams. But it's pretty normal that before then you start sort of studying things to prepare for your journey, if you plan on doing the League challenge. [Blue swings his feet idly as he talks.] Obviously cuz of gramps-- since I am who I am, none of that was necessary. I knew more than most experienced trainers twice my age when I was starting out. And of course Red was preparing for his too, so it was both of us hanging around the lab all the time....

[The bitterness becomes apparent immediately, in his tone and his expression.]

Hmm...

[Killua tilts his head, closing his eyes as he listens. it's weird things have taken this turn, he thinks—that Blue is confiding in Killua after that thoughtless slip up, but it's not like Killua hasn't learned a lesson in that anyway. plus, it's not like he's looking a gift horse in the mouth.]

That's right. You guys knew each other all that time.

[he'd only known that much because of the comment about their mothers, really...he glances at Blue.]

I kinda relate to some of that...

[even though Killua didn't want to make this abou thim. sheesh. but sharing a little is okay, right?]

Gon and I only met when we were 12. I'm like you, but in the assassin trade—it was weird for me and Gon to be in the Hunter exam as such young kids, so I was immediately pulled to him. I'd never had a friend before, and I felt like he would probably be the kinda guy who could keep up with me...

I guess even before my own version of that kinda officiation, I was already a big deal; my family wanted me to inherit the business, but...

[his interests were more selfish. oriented around the heart. no matter how deep his coffers were, it didn't matter.]

...I wanted something softer.

[Perhaps it's strange- even stupid of him- but whatever else Killua may be, Blue had never felt that he was purposely malicious towards him once they got to know each other. It's that trust in his character that allows Blue to easily overshare just after what happened earlier. And maybe his longing for understanding overpowered his logic, a little, with his defenses lowered.]

[Blue glances to him, owlishly confused for a moment before he realizes what's meant. Oh. Of course. He hadn't considered that it didn't go without saying- that ...they'd always been together.] ... Yeah. Red and I were next-door neighbors, growing up. Our moms were friends, so. [He presses his lips together, and that's all he says on that. He quickly lets the subject change again as Killua opens up.]

[He listens, and wonders what it must be like to grow up without anyone else to play with or talk to. Probably like what he feels now, but he thinks it must be different, never having had that, from how it feels to have had and lost.]

They really have confidence in you, huh. Your family.

[It sounds a little... envious.]

[of course, that isn't totally true. Killua had Alluka to play with and talk to, but it's not quite the same as growing up with another boy your age—Killua doesn't relate to Alluka quite the same way as Gon. it's not bad, just different.]

Mm. So much that they wanted me to be the heir instead of my older brothers.

[Killua has no awareness for how this subject in particular is bruising for Blue—but he'll learn in time, probably...]

...Sorry, though. That really sucks. To be honest...

[Killua scowls, his cheeks pinkening. his feelings for Gon and Blue's feelings for Red were... probably different, he thinks. with Gon, no matter how you categorize anything, his initial facilitation in friendship was utter infatuation. quick and dizzy, and then so tight—not something so long term...

that's why it's so complicated, probably.]

No. Nevermind. But—

[he glances at Blue, a little shyly. it's selfish, maybe, trying to draw comparisons for clarity in his own feelings. but to be fair, Killua has no idea what's normal in friendships... even now, he doesn't have a great idea of what boundaries are totally normal, even if intuitively, he's only just beginning to understand what is and isn't healthy.]

—is he... kind of like a brother to you? Growing up that close.

Oh.

[Blue's jaw sets tightly, and he almost looks a little irritated for a moment, but he lets it go, and latches back onto the subject purely of Red.]

[He squints at the question, initially giving a slightly disgusted look at the idea, but the more carefully he considers it.... It isn't a strange assumption to make, either. Growing up together from that young must be like a sibling to most people, right? And yet it had never felt that way. Not for him, anyway.]

[For Red, he couldn't say. But if he did, that would be ...heartbreaking, he thinks. Unsalvageable. For them to want two, such different things with each other... To view each other in such opposite ways... He wouldn't be able to endure it. It makes his stomach churn suddenly with never before considered anxiety.]

....No... [He answers slowly, brow furrowing.] Red's an only child, but I'm not. So I never.. Thought of it like that... And anyway, I always had Daisy. I guess cuz I have a sibling and we got a totally different kinda relationship, it felt different.

...Daisy raised me, mostly... So in that sense, our relationship was super different, too. It was more like Red's mom is? --I guess she's sort of aunt-like, but Red isn't like a cousin, either. I dunno. I never really thought about it before.

[But it's sure bothering him now that he is.]

Hm.

[Killua glances away, also feeling a little sheepish and awkward.]

...I guess that's normal, right? I guess I thought it would basically feel the same, since besides Alluka, I never exactly had...friends. I felt differently about a couple of our butlers; I wanted them to be my friends, but it wasn't allowed.

[his heart squeezes awkwardly, his lip quirking tightly.]

I...guess I couldn't imagine it feeling that way with Gon, either.

[he fidgets.]

But he's an only child, and just—culturally, his life is so different.

[so maybe........ that's... why....]

[For a few moments, Blue stares at Killua strangely- like he's trying to understand what he's saying, or what he's getting at... He finally shrugs it off and decides he just might not be able to understand the same way.]

[But he also gives him a bit of a scrutinizing, knowing side-glance. With him and Gon, huh....]

He's one, huh.

I wonder...

[His eyes roll away and he trails off, but abruptly changes the subject again.] --Does it feel different? You know... um, making friends with someone.... You know... [He waves a hand, unsure how to word it] Just like, whenever. The way it feels, compared to, like...

Someone you always knew....

[Blue's eyes drop again, and he hopes his face isn't turning red. He wonders what it's supposed to feel like. The way Red makes him feel, the way ...Killua makes him feel.... Is it just normal for it to be this way??]

Edited 2019-07-26 04:30 (UTC)

[Killua feels a little taken aback by the reddening of Blue's face, only because it changes the context of his question.]

Well, uh... Like I said, I never had—a friend I always knew, just... family.

[Killua curls a finger in front of his pensive scowl.]

I...I might be the wrong person to ask, about that...

[and then, late, it's like it dawns on him.]

Man. None of us are really a good measure for that, I guess...

[meaning, of course, including Gon. Killua's eyes widen, his posture jumping a little bit.]

Wait, you would know better than me! What... what do you think?

Edited 2019-07-26 04:45 (UTC)

Oh..........

[Blue mumbles, and goes quiet again, turning away.]

[This was weird. He'd rather just forget he said anything.]

[And then Killua turns it back on him. The bastard--!]

Wh--! I don't know! That's why I'm asking you!! [He snaps, a little loudly, face reddening further.] It's... I don't... It wasn't that different at all, really, so I... was trying to figure out if it was.... If it was just...

You know.... [He angrily presses his lips together. Dammit. He doesn't wanna talk about this anymore!]

--Forget that! What do you mean, your butlers or whatever?

[it's not that different? oh jeez. so is he weird after all?

—ugh, it's pointless to wonder. he's definitely weird. Killua's similarly thankful when the subject is changed, even if he finds it sort of a weak deflection and he wishes he got a more sincere answer from Blue...]

H-huh? What about them?

I...I don't know, the Zoldyck family has always had butlers. It's a pretty lofty position; you have to be really powerful for the position, in addition to being professional, educated and all that stuff...

[Blue's eyes widen, glad for the distraction. Woah. He knew Killua had said his family were a big deal and all, in addition to being scary, but.... They sounded crazy wealthy, too.]

What, really? ....So your family is that rich...

[He muses, and of course his thoughts conveniently, gently sidestep the whole murder thing. Or try, anyway- until he mentions them being powerful.] I guess it makes sense, but what's the point of a bodyguard if you guys are all strong already?

Yeah. To be honest, our wealth is ridiculous—but that never stops my family from taking insane jobs. I feel like we could probably all retire comfortably without running out of money, but we're all pretty used to the expendable income...

[Killua included. he was lousy at holding onto money.]

As for the Butlers—it saves us the hassle. They often would exterminate intruders way before they could get to our house—we have a lot of enemies, understandably...

Doesn't help the mountain we lived on was a tourist destination. Some dipshits would get some bright ideas semi frequently.

[Blue doesn't really know what to say to all this... It was kind of amazing. His family was well-off enough, and well-known, but they didn't really get crazy uninvited visitors or anything like that. There had been a bit of an uptick in tourists- both thanks to the Champion status of him and Red, along with gramps gaining more common popularity with his radio show these days- but nothing that he ever thought would require guards...]

[The wealth of his family is something else, too. It's easy to gullibly imagine what that was like, but.... and Killua alludes to it a little, maybe it wasn't all that rosey. He'd left, after all.]

[But Killua already told him about that.....]

I guess I can understand. I'm glad people that come to visit Pallet Town aren't that nuts... [He breathes out quietly.] ...Not that the person they were coming to see was around......

[Ah, right. Speaking of why they were out here.]

[Killua is just some hairs shy enough to miss that context.

he leans forward curiously, peering at Blue. so their homes both kind of had tourist draws...?]

Mm?

[Blue side-glances back at Killua and then, seeing his confusion, his eyes lid with exhaustion again.]

Didn't I...? Maybe not.....

Precious lil' baby Red was the Champion, back then... until he went running with his tail between his legs, anyway.

[Blue's irritation, sharp and tired, grows.] Whether it was interviews, or visitors, or anything else, I don't know what they expected. It's not like he's celebrity material or anything. I don't know why he even--

....bothered. [Blue's mouth sets into a bitter frown, the anger and tension that he'd been distracted from all coiling right back up into him again.]

[He rubs his eyes. It's late.]

Whatever. Is that it?

[he still doesn't totally get it—but piece by piece, things are coming together. he leans up a little when Blue asks that question, so cold and conclusive, but doesn't impede.]

—Ah, uh.

I mean, that's... up to you, I guess.

[Killua glances away, feeling anxious. he frowns. he doesn't even really know if Blue wants to come back. he'd understand wanting a few days, or something, but selfishly he hopes against it.]

...Either way, wherever you wanna go, I'll walk you there. I wasn't planning on sleeping, so I don't mind.

[Blue frowns at Killua's frown, and stares down at the ground again. He doesn't know what he wants to do, but--]

[Even if he's scared, even if his instincts are telling him to avoid hurt and go off on his own... He doesn't want to be alone. He's pretty sure of that. And it wasn't even really because of Killua that he wanted to run.]

[But it's uncomfortable, admitting something like that, even when he's done it before under the influence of the fog. Even if he knows Killua understands. He presses his lips together and hesitates, creeping cold in the air.]

I don't want you to do that to yourself. [And if he isn't doing it for Blue's sake, then why? He casts a glance towards Killua but it only makes it as far as his feet next to him, too cowardly to inch further up.]

[He reaches up to rub his eyes.] I don't know what I want.... [He admits softly, half-hearted. All he has right now are emotional urges, and those are bound to be regretted later when he's once again in a proper frame of mind.]

[Blue isn't sure whether it's more or less dangerous for him to be around Killua, right now, when he's like this.]

That’s fine. You don’t have to know what you want, I guess. [Killua leans back.] And anyway, I can comfortably go without sleeping for a couple days. More assassin stuff.

[what he doesn’t mention, of course, is that he’s too tense and wound up to sleep anyway. between all the crazy shit Gon said, potentially reframing a LOT of Killua’s understanding of things, and this tension with Blue...]

...We don’t have to talk, either. We can just rest for a minute while you figure it out. I don’t have to be here, either— [he glances at Blue.] —if you don’t want me to be.

But like I said, I... really don’t mind.

['More assassin stuff'. Blue wasn't sure if that made him feel any better about it, but he isn't going to argue if Killua says he can handle it. Just because he can, doesn't mean he should... But they can argue that point another time.]

[Blue's lips press together, and although there's a slight pause-- he shakes his head hurriedly, fists tight in his lap.] No... No, I-- You don't have to leave.

[He frames it as what Killua wants, but it's obviously about what he wants, isn't it? It always is.]

[He hesitates again, because this is ...difficult, but he doesn't know where else they could go. He doesn't exactly mind this- just sitting in the middle of the quiet street together. But it feels a little weird. At least with Killua there, he doesn't have to ...worry about safety, or anything.]

Sorry... I'm jerking you around... For now, just like we are... it's fine.

[Killua blinks, a little surprised—but glances off, ultimately. he's never... really received an apology for something like that. and further, he's never seen it that way. but it's a type of validation that strikes him to his core in a way he can't ignore.

and even if he doesn't ignore it, however, he can certainly not outwardly react to it.

it just kind of feels like having work acknowledged, even though Killua never expects that kind of thing.

to be honest, Killua's happy for this outcome—no matter what Blue decides to do, even if he doesn't want to come back... he's just happy feeling somewhat secure that probably it's not the end to their friendship.]

You're fine.

I think so too.

[Blue doesn't talk again- and soon enough, it becomes more apparent why, as his exhaustion finally gives way, despite his stubbornness. Blue slumps to the side, catching against Killua's shoulder; but the hold is tenuous, and a squirm or two might have him slipping off.]

[It's been a long night for the both of them, of course- but Blue has no resistance or perseverance when it comes to exhaustion, and sleep takes him easily in the comfort of Killua's presence. Whether Killua chooses to wake him and take him back home, or just sit there until dawn- he sleeps restfully, despite all his inner turmoil.]

[Killua glances at Blue when he begins to nod off—and he doesn't react too much when he eventually tilts against his shoulder. he notices the sleepy struggle, as well—like Blue's maybe sort of fighting it... which makes his eventual caving all the more endearing.

he lets Blue rest like that for a good 30 minutes or so. just listening to the nature around them, reflecting on his night—and the last week. his birthday, the strange things Gon said, what Killua learned about Red—

what he...potentially learned about Blue, too.

feeling sufficiently at peace once he's convinced that Blue's sleeping heavily enough, with the deft command and control easily given by his status and training, Killua carefully gathers Blue up. if he stirs, Killua stills in time to it. he's done this sort of thing countless times.

with Gon, in less comfortable states—the grimmest when he was walking him to the nearest hospital, holding Gon's severed arm, carefully tracking his sleepy, petering heartbeat... and in happier memories, with Alluka, for things as simple or innocent just as this.

Blue doesn't have to stay at the apartment. but for tonight, at least, it's the most comfortable place to be. once home, Killua enters far more silently than he'd exited, and, just as carefully as all else, he shifts Blue gently onto his bed. and before turning to leave, a lingering glance sticks to him in the darkness.

and how funny, for someone who used to be an assassin—his eyes always on the shapes of people in the dark, but this time, watchfully, of a deep emotion rather than a hollow, programmed instinct.

when Killua eventually slides into his own bed, it's true as he'd told Blue; he doesn't sleep. instead, he watches Gon's figure, over the gradual creeping of hours, slowly come into illuminated focus.]

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