blueser | IC CONTACT

[The last thing Blue had expected to interrupt his day was a surprise visit from Red- how had he even found him?- but the moment the apartment door had opened, everything had been set into an inescapable, spiraling motion.]

[He knew that he had said some deeply personal things last month- about his family, about Red, about himself. Some of these things he'd said in front of people he trusted; others, he'd spilled in front of people he'd later been anxious of biting him in the Feebas for what had been revealed to them.]

[He just didn't think Killua would have been in the latter group.]

[Red's supposed desire to "talk", laughable as that was conceptually, had ended right where Blue had figured it would, which was the moment the floor was opened to him. Immediate. He scoffs to himself that Killua had thought it his place to push for Blue to pursue something he knew wasn't real. Somehow, that had only burned him more- maybe there had been that small glimmer of hope trudged up last month for things that he knew were only fantasy. Now, it was snuffed out again.]

[Feeling just that, snuffed out, Blue didn't bother going back to the apartment once Red wanders off again to whatever loner path he's walking nowadays. It was an excruciating buildup of emotion- anxiety, loss, frustration, anger, heartbreak. It built up like the heat pressure in a stormcloud, and darkened the skies over him, cracking and snapping with that thunder and lightning like it had when Red had first shown up. So he does what he did then: he exiles himself.]

[Unfortunately, all of this had been so unexpected that this exile comes with some snags; he didn't have his full trainer bag on him, which meant he had literally nothing. Even Blue, who had spent his first few months of life here desperately insisting he could take care of himself, needed some basic supplies. So eventually, reluctantly, full of dread- he heads back in the middle of the night to the apartment, with the small hope that he could slip in undetected and escape with the things in that apartment that he needed, and the things he didn't want to leave behind. He steels himself, hand on the doorhandle and trying to turn it as quietly as possible, to take in the short-lived prospect of a peaceful, hospitable life one last time. He didn't expect to be back.]

[Killua, steeling against his own worst fears, had said so at least a couple of times to Gon: he wasn't optimistic Blue would return. and maybe more than anything, that was the pessimist part of Killua that was so largely occupying in his being. always hyper vigilant. always bracing for the worst case scenario.

so even though he and Gon had worked some deep, hard things out that same night—embracing and crying respectively, Killua had ultimately assured Gon he'd be to their room perhaps the next morning, if he slept at all. that he was going to wait for Blue. but, eyes unfocused in the dark as he sat there, tense in his grave anticipation. wasn't it bad, that he wasn't optimistic? when he only had a vague idea of where he'd fucked up—he knows some things are compounded. it's not just whatever mistake he's made; it's also Red's bad timing, their likely fallout...

but Killua can't help but brace himself for loss.

when Blue opens the door, Killua's whole body arrests with tension, his eyes immediately fixed on his paley illuminated silhouette. he doesn't know what to say; it's like he understands Blue's intentions, but hopes they aren't what he thinks. he doesn't know what to say, but from the shadowy figure of Killua's own shape on the couch, it's clear that he sits up.]

[Blue's eyes aren't as good as Killua's in the dark, nor his instincts towards detecting presence, but he freezes immediately as he takes in the movement in the darkness, and his breath cuts and holds. Every instinct in him, suddenly, screams for him to run. Screw supplies, screw memories- run now, run from the pain that's inevitable and coming--]

[In the darkness, Blue can't notice the initially slight, hairline fracture that begins to form and spread out in the wood flooring from where he stands in the doorway. His jaw locks and his eyes skew away from the shape of Killua, hoping that in this dim light he can't read Blue's more specific body language.]

[He's furious.]

[He doesn't say anything, but he takes another step inward, slow and careful and wary, like an animal that might bolt at any moment. His eyes briefly dart towards the direction of Killua and Gon's room, mistrustful. Then, back to the shape of Killua on the couch. Like he doesn't understand the disconnect. Or maybe, like he doesn't want to.]

[Killua, for all his training and experience in things objectively far more horrifying than this, would be pressed to specifically quantify his anxiety in this moment. his throat feels tight, and he can't see the more specific movements of Blue's line of sight or anything—but his energy is unmistakable, especially as a Nen user.]

Blue—...

[his breath shudders with the exhalation of his friend's name. he came back...but... instinctively, it isn't hard to surmise why Blue is back so late. not because of anything good. because he wants to leave. because Killua fucked up. this is what his hyper vigilance is all about.

Killua feels something desperate well up in him, right down to the tips of his fingers; a fist clutches the fabric of their couch, his breath hiccuping quietly in his throat when his voice catches. for the second time that night, Peromei is deployed with a negative emotional aspect, churning discreetly beneath the dip of Killua's shirt.

he doesn't want to give into the idea that he was right all along. that he would eventually mess this up. that he couldn't be friends with someone like Blue. he doesn't want to believe it, but his instincts have always been good.]

[The sound of his name is physically painful, and he hates that. He hates not being able to block out when someone else is hurting, even if they've hurt him first, even if he feels it's justified in his tit-for-tat, kneejerk desire for vengeance.]

[His mouth presses in a tight line, and he hesitates- all of the welled up anger he's worked himself up into, going in circles in his head all night about what if he hadn't said anything and what if he'd never known and how dare he faltering in the span of a single breath.]

Why are you... [He starts unsurely, distrustful. His brow hardens as he looks at him, his eyes wide in moonlight from the windows, and he glances towards his shared bedroom and back once more.]

[His gaze drops, shamefully. It's obvious why. He's been read like a book.]

...Are you gonna stop me?

[it's a hard question. Killua feels seized by a test that he doesn't know the answer for. no matter what he does, no matter what he says—it feels wrong. he feels trapped, helpless to watch Blue leave.]

—Do I...get to decide something like that?

[his breath, and voice—both are tight.]

I don't—I don't want you to go.

[Killua feels tears well, clinging to the bottoms of his lashes. how exhausting. the second time this night. couldn't this just be easy? was he just destined to mis step with the people he loved? Gon, Alluka, Blue... was this normal? was it just him?? how exhausting, crying over two different friends in one night. he wishes he were stronger, smarter.]

...I can't...tell you what to do, b-but—

[his voice cracks a little. it had paid off, with Gon. if he's about to go anyway, then who cares, right? what does Killua have to lose?]

...I didn't mean to...hurt you. If you—[a shuddering inhale.]—if you wanna go, I can't...

[Killua's eyes fall, a lost sight in the darkness, his lip wobbling.]

I can't stop you, Blue... But I am sorry.

[He keeps trying to put distance between himself and others, and that distance keeps trying to close itself. He swears Red off, and Red comes reappearing into his life. He disappears into the woods, only to be drawn back out again by kindnesses. Guzma terrifies him, and then miraculously calls to apologize. And Killua...]

[Blue's resolve crumbles as Killua earnestly pleads- no, not pleading, but earnestly preferring his presence. Wanting him to be there. It was the same as the first night with Gon, except more desperate, somehow. Blue anger hadn't been quite so directed.]

[Even now it isn't like Blue can help noticing how carefully Killua speaks. Maybe it's better that he isn't begging him to stay. There's something Blue feels from that, something unfamiliar that he yearns for nonetheless. It's respect, he realizes with a well of self-disgust and discomfort. Respect for Blue's wishes- for his feelings. Killua was unselfish, even now. He winces.]

[These are dangerous and highly coveted sensations for Blue, and he even recognizes them as he feels himself falling weak to it in a way he can only blame on himself. Being wanted. Being respected. His jaw sets, and finally his gaze drops to the floor in front of his feet, and he sees the damage he's done. As if this night couldn't get worse...]

[For a long moment, he's quiet, like he's reluctant, or contemplating, but eventually he takes a step back- like he's going to leave.]

[Then he directs a look back over his shoulder.]

Let's... take a walk?

[Talking about it in here is just going to cause a lot of commotion, he thinks, and he wants them to be able to speak freely- together, not at each other.]

[in the pause, in Blue's deliberation, even then, Killua is hard bracing for the worst—he's of two minds. he doesn't get why Blue is this upset, and doesn't understand the full nature of the damage... but it's true: Killua does respect it. he hurt Blue's feelings, and that's what matters. there's no greater grievance than the betrayal of a friend's feelings; he was taught so, both by his father and by his own experience. it's tantamount to the various forms of torture that Killua has endured.

it was true, what his family said, though Killua hadn't heard it himself—he was better off with that needle in his head, less feeling, less harsh on himself.

so when Blue cautiously invites Killua out for a walk, he's surprised. he whips his head up, feeling a new glossy wash over his eyes, a fat set of tears rolling down his face for it. he reigns it in, tightly and suddenly, dropping his head. discreetly, in the shadows, he wipes his eyes.]

Okay.

[he exhales a shuddering breath, standing, trying to brace himself. he already had a difficult talk with Gon, tonight—with success. it seemed unlikely he could be so lucky twice in one night, but challenging his fears had already proved to be rewarding. at Blue's behest, at the very least, Killua could try again.]

Lead the way.

[vocalizing his gratitude would be too lame...]

[Blue catches it, though he wishes he hadn't- the reflection of tears in the moonlight, and he glances away, feeling embarrassed and ashamed to have seen it and caused it, and he averts his eyes from Killua's face as he stands and follows after. Blue, pushing his hands into his pockets, shuffles back out the door and lets it hang slightly open for Killua behind him.]

[As they walk out of the apartment, Blue mulls over what he could, should, wants to say in the uncomfortable silence, until they exit to the outside onto the deserted street. Verens was a city, so there was still some life here and there even this late, but in this part of town it was mostly quite silent.]

[Blue ambles along with Killua in tow, not quite sure of where he's walking to yet; he figures maybe they'll make circles around the neighborhood.]

How was my punch. [He starts, neutrally. He knew Killua must have been rather shocked, and to be honest, Blue had been rather shocked with himself, too. But all he could think about was Red knocking him one, embarrassing him in broad daylight, and revenge had filled him.] Don't worry, it was payback.

Lousy, to be honest, [Killua answers in immediate, sincere candidacy. he was shocked, absolutely. but he wasn't surprised that Blue's form was all wrong. he can't help but smirk a little when he says it, but that dries up before long. it still feels like this is ticking down to something horrible and inevitable, but Killua tries to be optimistic.

it's not like he's being fucking taken out to parish, but... it feels grim.] ...But I can't lie, it was surprising.

[he glances at Blue uncertainly.] You mean... he hit you, before?

[Blue dryly chuckles, though his mouth hardly curls into a smile.]

Before he up and disappeared again. I can't believe he did it..... Reserved lil' Reddy. Well.... that was because I took his hat, though. I know all his little peeves. But I had my reasons for doing that, too.

...Even if it didn't work out... [He mutters something curse-like under his breath, and rubs his jaw as if in memory. A few more moments of silence pass as they walk, and Blue's eyes narrow as he tries to steel himself once more.]

It's none of your business and it never was.

[Killua blinks when Blue says this, but doesn't flinch. his gaze drops, though, in guilty knowing. it still hurts, for some reason. but Killua knows that even if it's something he previously enjoyed, he probably has to revoke it now. all's fair in love and war, or whatever.]

Yeah.

It's not.

[Blue says that, but here he is volunteering this personal information anyway. something as crazy as someone as soft as Blue exchanging blows with his...mute? rival. the rules of friendship are confusing and harrowing. Killua's eyes narrow, his brows tightening.]

I didn't—realize all of that was...because of the fog.

I know I was wrong. I... [his arms visibly tense, shown by the rigidity in his muscles, hands curling anxiously and invisibly into fists within his pockets.]

I didn't mean to. The truth is that I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry.

Edited 2019-07-24 04:10 (UTC)

Haven’t you ever had someone, [Blue abruptly begins, voice raising a little with his temper] who you wanted to learn a lesson on their own? Sure, if someone doesn’t understand why you’re mad, you can just tell them. But that doesn’t really solve anything, does it.

[Blue stops, eyes narrowed and tense looking, as he looks back at Killua.] What I want or whether I want something, that’s totally separate from the reality of what needs to happen to get it. Understand?

[His gaze drops for a moment, still turned to face Killua. Whether he wanted to talk to Red. Whether he still wanted to be friends again. All of that was pointless if he didn’t even realize- or get why- he’d hurt Blue.]

It isn’t that simple... [His brow pinches sorrowfully.]

[when asked if he understands, Killua nods once. his steps still when Blue's do.

he watches Blue, heart twisting. partially because he feels for him, and partially because he feels bad. but the truth is that he can't relate. he probably hasn't even had enough close relationships outside of his own family to run into such trouble.]

...Mm, I haven't.

But I understand things being more complicated than people seem willing to accept. I didn't realize... but I know that's annoying.

[apologizing again is pointless; Blue will either accept it or he won't. all Killua can do now is listen, and accept the bed he's made.]

[Blue's mouth presses tightly, seemingly working through his feelings here. Maybe he's just spitballing at Killua; maybe he's already decided to forgive him, by the time he asked him to come walk with him. Or at least, had decided to consider it.]

[Honesty, respect, empathy. Those were all Blue was asking for... And Killua was giving it, without being defense, that kneejerk anger that Blue would have in this same situation. That has to be worth something.]

[Things being more complicated than people seem willing to accept. Blue's mind hangs on this, with a bit of recognition, a guess- but he isn't in the mood to bring it up at the moment.]

...So, what did you think? [Blue mumbles with a heavy breath, and leans against the side of a building tiredly.]

[Killua watches as Blue settles the way he does, ruminating on his question, wondering if he's even parsing it correctly. is...Blue asking him what he was thinking, when he did something so clumsy and insensitive? it seems needless and maybe even cruel to elaborate that far, so Killua... hopes that isn't it.

he glances away for a moment, rubbing the back of his neck, then shyly peeks back at Blue.]

...What do you mean?

Mm? [Blue glances up at him again, a light twitch quirking his brow--]

...Of Red, obviously. [He says, not obviously at all.]

[Maybe his motivations for asking are rather blatant, but he's going to pretend they aren't. There's tension in his body still, tension that's been here that whole time, and it tightens ever further.]

...I dunno. It's hard to tell. His presence is small next to yours, [Killua admits candidly, shrugging a shoulder. he wasn't given much time to really glean a true, honest assessment.]

He seems... reserved, I guess.

[maybe it was too many people. Killua thinks about it, though—he didn't realize they were friends for so long, that their mothers knew each other, that they did something as silly as name their kids like that.]

...Hm.

[Blue's mouth ...twists, thoughtfully. So the same as most people thought of him, from the outside.]

[He had wondered if Killua would pick up on anything else, but he supposes most people haven't seen Red's other sides. Even around Blue.]

I make sure it is. [He finally scoffs, chin tilting up a little.] Like I'd let a pushover like Red outshine me!

[Killua glances at Blue, wondering how to correctly parse and respond to this—it's a pretty tenuous topic, especially given the nature of their walk anyway... but it's funny, right? Killua knows he doesn't have all the information to feel this way confidently, but can they continue their rivalry in a world that doesn't care about their talents as trainers? but of course, like Blue said, it's more complicated than that.

it seems like a trap neither of them can get out of, or something.

pushover is an interesting choice in words, Killua thinks. he also thinks that Red is strong in his own way; they're from a world where they don't really settle stuff like that, right? but Red was undeterred by Blue hitting him.]

...Mm. Well, you just have a pretty big personality. But you did say you were rivals, I guess.

[it might be obvious that Killua's being cautious about what he says...]

[Even despite his attempts to navigate this carefully, Blue turns a sharp, maybe even a little irritated look on him.]

[It's hardly Killua's fault for sidestepping, but that only seems to annoy him more.]

'Big personality', huh. [Whether he's internalizing this or what, he seems to take it badly. Like he didn't know himself, all the negative things that could mean. What other people said about him. For starters.] I wonder what that means.

[There's a bit of a reluctant flex in his jaw after he says that, but he doesn't apologize, either. Like he knows he's reading too much into it.]

I'll be less annoyed if you're honest with me, you know.

[Killua scowls sorely at Blue when he of course takes that the wrong way, but he's not gonna stand here and embarrass himself arguing what positive things it could mean. things have reached a "money where your mouth is" point with their tension he thinks, anyway...

then Blue reads him so well, it kind of startles him. mostly because it's a confrontation of the fact that... well, they're close enough that Killua can't just casually lie around his own feelings so easily.]

...Fine.

He seems determined, I thought. How he didn't turn away in a bad situation, even when you hit him.

[he scratches his cheek. strong recognizes strong! but when it comes to more emotional matters... Killua thinks he might actually be more of a coward than that. the tension would have been too much, maybe?]

...Still wasn't enough exposure for me to say anything that means anything, anyway.

[Blue watches him work through his thoughts with a little bit of annoyance, and he thinks to himself that maybe they’re a little too similar, sometimes. Being called out on your obfuscation was annoying, wasn’t it? But there was no point when both of them now were close enough that keeping at arm’s length was maybe no longer an option...]

[That realization sort of startles Blue, too.]

[As for his impression of Red, it’s of course accurate. Red was always the strong one- in whatever capacity you measured by. ‘A strong personality’ meant nothing in regards to Blue but how fake he was. He wouldn’t take that at face value from someone like Killua.]

He’s stupid. He’s determined, even though he doesn’t even know what he wants. [Blue scowls into the darkness, kicking a loose cobble on the road.] An idiot that just goes running into things without thinking first.

I told him if he doesn’t have anything to say to me, get lost. I have nothing to say to him if he doesn’t.

[Sharply, his eyes land back on Killua’s.] That’s why. So don’t think just cuz you know one half of it that you can talk for me.

[Killua's shoulders hike, giving Blue a withering look.]

Sheesh, I got it, [he reiterates tensely. he of course feels bad, but is also getting tired of repeating himself. it's embarrassing. he pinkies his ear.] I don't think I can talk for you. I didn't mean to. Haven't I already said so...? [he understood, he was sorry, it wasn't his intention. cyclical.

the description of someone determined who charges into things without thinking... well, Killua supposes those types are everywhere, maybe. his posture deflates out of its defensiveness, the emotional exhaustion sinking in. mostly because he's thought of Gon now, too.]

Sorry. About that, and that things didn't go well.

[Blue’s mouth presses together hard, trying to be firm in his insistence- but it melts away. Both from Killua’s obvious exhaustion, and because......]

[With that out of the way, there’s nothing left but his own exhaustion, his own frustration, and the pain the encounter dug up and left behind.]

[They mirror each other, but maybe not for the same reasons, the way rigid defensiveness deflates and leaves them raw and hurting. Blue wants someone he can talk to. He wants to trust Killua with himself in this delicate state, because otherwise, it’s just himself alone and angry and spiraling in his despair, just like he had that month. It isn’t like he ever wanted to face things alone that way- there just wasn’t any other option. There was no one.]

[The feelings, buried down all this time, bubble up out of him, eyes swelling and threatening to spill over in the darkness, and they bubble up around him, too. A puddle nearby them at the side of the street begins to roil, and turn black, boiling ichor containing all those negative emotions within him, and rivers of it run out between the spaces in the cobblestone.]

...Why doesn’t he ever understand... [He mumbles softly, voice thick and cracking with sorrow, and he quickly brings a hand up against his eyes, a useless hold against the breaking dam.]

action; late night of 7/8

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