blueser | IC CONTACT

I...

I wouldn't know what to say, [Killua mumbles, his cheeks pinkening a little. he feels dumb. no matter what, this is still...well, it's a dragon, but it's an animal?? and maybe a fish? or something?

he is def still petting it, tho]

I didn't know they could understand humans...

[Killua's eyes narrow bashfully.]

It's really cool you have something like this. I have to be honest, I...don't really care about animals much, but I think... this is the coolest one I've met.

Edited 2019-05-27 03:12 (UTC)

Haha, it's okay. [Blue leans against the side of Gyarados' face, such a casual invasion of the dragon's space, yet he doesn't flinch or anger. Gyarados continues to watch Killua expectantly, curious about this new human friend of Blue's. His trainer hadn't had a friend his own age for a long time....]

[Blue blushes a little and glances away.] Well. Gyarados aren't easy to train, so I'm pretty cool for having one, you're right about that. [So modest] Gyarados is really cool, right? But all my Pokémon are cool! They're doubly cool because... they had to work really hard to get so strong!

[Blue stands up straight, genuinely proud, and he almost seems to be glowing with it.] That's my favorite thing about my team!

[it's so weird seeing this bashful baby person all up in the actual face space of a whole dragon. by that same token, though, Killua doesn't stop to consider it unusual that he's so meek around the Gyarados.

given Blue's general lack of confidence, he absolutely does not take any one of his self praising statements doubtfully.]

That is cool...

In particular, I really like Gyarados.

[Killua sheepishly strokes along one of its whiskers, watching its deadly fangs from its gaping mouth.]

Dragons are sort of a symbol of strength where I'm from. My grandfather's Hatsu mimics a dragon like this one. You know, the type that's all long and serpentine.

[he glances back at Blue.]

If you trained them, aren't you the reason why they're so strong? Especially if this one is difficult to tame? I bet you really could get some good work related to animals around here. You seem so confident when you talk about Pokémon. You need to use that.

Edited 2019-05-27 03:44 (UTC)

[Gyarados himself takes the praise happily, but Blue just sort of stares dumbly at Killua's words. The reason they're strong... He sets his jaw a little, and nervously presses himself back against Gyarados' face, petting it quietly as he thinks about it. Thinks about all the doubts he's had, these last few years, since he lost.]

...In reality, it's because of them that I have any strength. [He says quietly, a little dejectedly.] That's how it is. Us trainers don't have anything without our Pokémon, and any good trainer knows that. [But what is it that the trainer contributes? He knows it deep down, but still he doubts himself. Still... I wonder... if I really pushed them too hard...]

To me, people are the scary ones. People try to hurt each other for no reason. When it comes to Pokémon, I-- I don't get scared. I don't think I would be scared unless it was like... a legendary, or something like that. [He doesn't think to explain that one.]

But, I guess you're right. I looked and looked for any jobs relating to training monsters, but all I saw were people wanting to hurt them. So I gave up... I got scared someone was gonna hurt my Pokémon, too.

[Gyarados rumbles with concern, sensing his trainer's sadness as he rubs his eyes.] ...Am I crazy for that?

...With what you've told me, I guess not.

[Killua furrows his eyebrows, watching as Blue rubs his eyes. this kid is really sensitive. is this really gonna be okay?]

People are scary. You aren't wrong. Sometimes the reason people hurt each other is scarier than what you perceive as random. Like the sort of people who contract people to kill other people—and more scary yet, the people who oblige those contracts for their livelihood. I guess you can call money a reason, but to me, that's not a real reason.

[not in the case of his family. they're impossibly wealthy, but still never turn down jobs that are so highly prolific.

this is the first time Killua's felt a little sad that he might not be able to be friends with someone. should he tell Blue?]

But... isn't it true, too, that people who use Pokémon—not all of them are good? The intention of the creature itself doesn't mean anything in the hands of someone evil.

However you personally define that.

[Blue isn't sure what to think of what Killua says. It sounded... almost familiar. Like what he was saying came from within himself, his experiences. It was frightening... but it also made Blue worried. Had he seen some awful things?]

[Speaking of having seen awful things...]

...Yeah.

There's a group of criminals back home. They're called the Rockets... Like with that guild, they poach Pokémon for money- sell them off for cash, or keep the strong ones for themselves, for their enforcers. They're involved with all kinds of crimes like that...

But even though they use Pokémon to enforce their crimes, they didn't believe in their strength. That's why the Rockets were all so weak...

[Not a problem for him, anyway. But for the weak, the helpless...]

[it's a little hard understanding all that with Pokémon in the mix. what the fuck are humans in this universe without these animals? the codependency is king of sick, in Killua's opinion. how can people not define themselves based on their own bodily merits?]

Blue.

[that said, Killua's eyes become sort of distant. distracted, and dark. he slides his hand from off of Gyarados.

he thinks, there's a reason someone like Gon is his best friend. he's sweet, and full of light—but has a type of intrinsic darkness that makes them kindred spirits. still too good for Killua, he thinks, even after everything they've gone through.

so what the hell is he thinking, trying to be friends with a boy like Blue?

they aren't very close yet, but Killua can feel it happening. it's easier to ruin this while the friendship is new.]

I should tell you something.

I won't be mad or anything if you decide to not be my friend, or back out of living with me or whatever.

Huh...?

[Blue stares back, watches Killua, and in the pit of his stomach feels something terribly wrong. The lakewater churns at their feet, between the both of them the tide turns uneasy and foamed, like ocean water. Gyarados quietly rumbles his concern again, like clearing his throat.]

[No.... not when he was just starting to... Not when he was just beginning to have another friend... A friend.....]

You... don't want to...?

—No!

[Killua raises his hands defensively, palms open as a gesture of non ill-intent.]

N-no, it's not that, I definitely... want to.

[when Killua clarifies this, he suddenly feels a resolve bubble up through him that makes him clench his fists earnestly.] I want to be your friend!

But... I'm not going to make you.

The truth is, back home, I come from a famous family of assassins. We don't have Pokémon, or much of anything like that, in my world. I've killed more people than you can imagine. I quit being an assassin, but that only means I stopped doing it for money; I've killed since then. Life for my title, and the culture around it, is brutal, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm a killer.

When I ran away from home, I renounced that life style; I rejected the notion that I had the soul of a killer, because I wanted friends... but I can never be someone like you.

[his eyes harden, a little.]

You're...really pure.

[the air around Killua is dense, cold and heavy; the weight of his remorse, and otherness, manifesting physically. hopefully this damn dragon doesn't eat him up for all this dangerous information, or the nature of Killua's deceit.

he legitimately didn't think Blue was this soft when they first met; he was so confidently calling Killua a loser, and in general being pretty ballsy... and it's not that Killua dislikes the reality of this boy, either.

he just doesn't see it fitting.]

Sorry. I usually tell people pretty freely right when I meet them, but something made me hesitate. That was selfish of me.

[Blue's heart is racing before Killua even explains, the fear, the sense of impending loss, like he was teetering on the edge of a cliff. He's struggling to understand... and yet that declaration- that Killua really, actively wants to be his friend.... Even though he's seen this side of him, what a cowardly crybaby he really is...]

[After that, it's hard for him to think about anything else.]

[For a long few moments as Killua speaks, he just watches, stares in wide-eyed silence, and it's hard to tell what kind of reaction he's having until slowly, he takes one step back, but then he seems to stop himself, physically tightening with the instinct to hide, or flee, but forcing himself not to.]

[What would win out in him, fear, or loneliness?] I don't...

[Blue quietly begins, voice shaking, but then he clamps down on that too. Ice spreads from underfoot, tiny sheets prickling with fear and apprehension.] But you... You don't want to do it anymore, right? You're not... doing it because you want to...?

[Is he just making excuses?? Trying to grapple with the weight of this mentally, try to equate the boy who has been so kind to him with this admission, a killer.]

Edited 2019-05-27 05:26 (UTC)

[Killua doesn't want to explain that a couple years ago, shortly after running away from home, he'd laid waste to a couple of guys for trying to beat him up—not simply because he was defending himself, but because he was in a bad mood, worked up over not being able to win a game he'd been working at for hours.

or how during the war with the chimera ants, who yes, were creatures, but were also people, he thought nothing of killing them.

that it was easy to slip back into his trained mindset, and just take lives because he could, or he was supposed to.

overall, Killua's reaction to Blue's stepping back, or the conjuring of ice at his feet... is cold itself. it hurts, but he can bear it. he just tries to shut it down, but the color around Killua, so subtly, dims.]

I don't necessarily want to.

[but he doesn't mind doing it. he almost killed Guzma.]

Sometimes, I have to.

...but probably not here, unless me or a friend's in trouble.

[in some ways, Illumi was right, Killua guesses. this is what Illumi meant. it makes him miss Gon.]

Edited 2019-05-27 05:33 (UTC)

[It's painful, but... Blue's patient, hangs on every word. Gives Killua the time to explain himself, listens to his reply carefully.]

[It's... not decisive, is it? And yet there's a longing there, and a resignation. Killua was his age... And already, he had this much on his conscience, had already decided that this was inevitable for him. It hurts Blue to think about, that he might have to do something so terrible when he doesn't want to, but also to consider that he might hurt someone because he does want to. He doesn't quite know how to handle it.]

[His fists, white knuckled, remain stuck at his sides, glancing at the ground where the ice tricks into the lakewater, cracks, and reforms as it crawls. His vision is blurring and he doesn't realize until he feels the tears rolling down, then sniffs, embarrassed, and hides his face away in his sleeve to wipe them. Gyarados shifts forward, pressing his face worriedly against Blue's body.]

I-- [Blue stumbles, laying his arms over Gyarados' snout to calm him, and fights with himself over what to say.] I want to be your friend....

[It comes out heartfelt, a painful admission of loneliness, and yet there's something else there. A 'But' remains, built into the hesitance at the end of that statement.] ...Is that okay... Even if I'm scared?

[Killua lifts his head a little when he sees Blue's tears. how can someone this tender exist in any world at all? even here. or wherever Blue comes from...

when Blue says he wants to be Killua's friend, Killua's eyes widen with shock.]

You...

...want to?

[Killua feels his own eyes sting, glassy to his own surprise. no tears fully form, but he's surprised someone he's barely met can affect his feelings like this. but he's never had someone actively terrified of his background reach to him despite that. it's usually pretty black and white.]

...Of course that's okay.

And if you change your mind later... that's okay too.

[(With difficulty.)]

[Blue isn't sure what he expected- for Killua to be insulted, or reject him after all of this... but he timidly meets his wide eyed gaze with a held breath, hope bubbling in him.]

[Maybe it hasn't been long, but.. Blue has learned- certainly in this past month- that kindnesses can come in strange and scary packages, in confusing forms, and that maybe he should try and accept them where he can.]

[With a deep breath, he tries to step back towards Killua, picking his way across a couple steps, then pauses, unsure of what to do.] Being alone... is the worst. When you said that you were-- I-- [His head ducks again, face flushing] I didn't want to leave you all alone...

[Killua's heart swells from the earnest kindness of the sentiment. he wonders what Blue's gone through to where he can echo the feeling. Killua doesn't challenge Blue's approach, finding his energy still skiddish, so he patiently remains in place.

he smiles, faintly.]

I'd be okay, you know. You don't have to make yourself uncomfortable because you don't want someone to be alone.

...but thanks, Blue. I'm not gonna pretend I'm not grateful.

Edited 2019-05-27 06:53 (UTC)

[Blue's mouth twists. No... maybe he doesn't have to do anything, but he can't pretend like he didn't want this arrangement, either. Fear and cowardice drives so many of his decisions. Can't he make just one good one?]

It's not good to force yourself to be alone... [He mumbles, feeling ashamed of himself.] Even though that's the easiest. I've been doing that all this time. It's just made everything worse.

[Blue reaches up to his face and rubs over it, exhausted from the day's tumultuous emotions once again, trying to will the shaking in him to calm.]

Sorry. I've been thinking about so many things today...

[oh! that's right. the whole point of this was that Blue had to get his mind off of heavy stuff, and here Killua was, dumping more hard to process stuff on him.

but hey, that was over.]

What're you saying sorry for, dummy? I'm the one who's sorry for springing that on you.

Anyway, we're hanging out now, so you don't have to feel alone or either. Not that you won't have stuff on your mind later [also in part due to him...], but for now, let's just not think about anything.

You any good at skipping rocks?

[It's fine, he'll just quietly suffocate as he processes it all later! ...Although he doesn't have to do it alone anymore... Isn't that the point? Hm.]

[He considers Killua's point and tries to take a deep little breath, and takes his subject change for the kindness it is.]

Am I any good, huh...?

[It's hard to act smug now when his eyes are still red with tears, but his mouth twists into a grin against his sorrowful grimace, and he reaches down to pick up a stone on the shore with a light toss in his hand.]

You saw me throw that ball before, right? [He holds the stone in his fist and punches it towards Killua, an over-dramatic and challenging point.] You better get ready to be beaten!

Pfff, whatever. Try me.

[Killua reciprocates Blue's cocky expression.

he can do all kinds of stupid crazy shit to an unreasonable capacity due to the nature of his absurd canon... and is a darts champion! not exactly the same thing, but applicable.]

Let's do 2/3. Loser has to fulfill one command by the winner.

Hmph. Fine with me! But, don't say I didn't warn you...

[Gyarados rumbles curiously. Humans are confusing... But his boy didn't seem to be sad anymore, so he submerges himself into the lake with a splash and decides to take a swim while they putter around together.]

[Blue's eyes narrow at the waters as they even out slowly in the wake of Gyarados' splashing, waiting for the right moment in the waves before he draws his arm back, changing the way his fingers are positioned over the rock like a baseball player, and lets it rip with a surprisingly strong throw. It sails and skips across the water, a little spin to it pushing it along before it finally plops under the water a great deal away.]

[Turning back to Killua, he gives a little cocky salute.] Okay, beat that!

Don't help him cheat, [Killua says flatly to Gyarados as he decides to ditch their baby boy emotion festival, which Killua can't blame him for.

Killua's eyebrows raise when the rock skips so far, looking genuinely shocked. he stares back at Blue with the same note of dumbfoundedness. this is a testament to the fact that if Blue just did anything with enough repetition, his body would probably be capable of more than he thinks... these trainers are so prone to praising their animals, but look at that shit!!! because of the dumb balls those animals are in, Blue can throw that far?! and well.

well, fine. Killua whistles, obviously impressed.]

Okay, I definitely did underestimate you off the bat. But I bet I can still beat you.

[Killua used to skip stones a lot at the lake near the mansion... usually with Canary. it's a nostalgic, fond activity. and because Zoldyck nonsense, stakes were always higher than they had any right to be, but that's what made it fun!

so Killua feels around for a rock he decides he likes, and he waits for similar stillness in the water in the wake of Blue's stone. similarly, he hurls it straight with a good spinning trajectory—it also goes a great distance, landing at least near Blue's rock.

Killua squints and scowls, narrowing his eyes as he lifts his hand, trying to measure the compared distance.]

Hmmm... Close...

Edited 2019-05-27 17:43 (UTC)

I don't cheat... [Blue huffs, watching as Killua stares at his throw. He gets a little flutter in his stomach at the other boy's expression of genuine surprise and delight, unable to keep from smiling.] And I did tell you! I don't like people underestimating me, so you better not do it again!

[He puts his hands on his hips as he loudly declares this, but his bluster is all smiles. He watches as Killua picks his stone up and takes aim, how he watches and waits for the right moment, and watches him throw. Hmmmm....]

I think I won. [Blue coyly murmurs, somewhere between sheepish and smug. He couldn't say his sheepishness wasn't a result of the conversation they'd just had, but... Maybe it was okay to push his luck a little.]

[Killua laughs at Blue's prideful declaration, unable to help himself—because he likes the arrogant, confident Blue a lot.

as they judge, Killua's ended up on the balls of his feet, leaning forward. then, decided, he's flat on his feet again.]

Really...? No way.

[he crosses his arms.]

I think I beat you by about 2".

[Killua's expression lifts, and he looks towards Blue.] Maybe Gyarados can tell us?

Edited (hi my name is jaz and writing is my full time hobby) 2019-06-07 19:51 (UTC)

You think he's not gonna pick me anyway? [Blue narrows his eyes playfully, lips trembling with a held-back grin.] That's really trusting of you.

But, my Gyarados is a good guy! He'll know who won for sure. Gyaradooooos!

[He calls to the dragon, who has been snorkeling in the deeps of the lake and meeting some fishy pals. The dragon resurfaces after a few seconds with a burst of waves along the water's surface, and rumbles in inquiry.]

Gyarados, watch our contest and tell us who wins, alright!? [He's already reeling back for his second throw, tugging one sleeve up.] Go look and see which stone sank the furthest!

[Gyarados rumbles and re-submerges himself, and Blue waits expectantly for his return.]

Ah....I wonder if the stones are too small to pick up. [He suddenly hums, as an afterthought.] Oh well, winner of each round gets to throw second, right?

[Killua laughs when Blue gives that testament to Gyarados's character. fair enough, he supposes.]

Mm! [Killua nods, hands on his hips, and bends forward, looking for another good rock. he might have to go collect some...] That's true, he is big...but he's not dumb, right?

[Killua straightens up again, inspecting a rock. he squints at it. maybe not flat enough.]

Hard to tell, though, I guess... I mean, he's a dragon, but he's also kind of a fish?

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blueser - 2019-06-10 20:48 (UTC) - Expand